You're STILL Sad?

So I was thinking about all the loss I've experienced personally and the loss experienced by those close to me. Although inevitable, death is by far one of the most difficult things that we go through as humans. Regardless of the person's age, condition, or circumstance surrounding the death, it's a loss that tends to elicit much pain, expels various emotions, and is an occurrence that nobody is ever really FULLY prepared for. 
With death being such a common and expected phase of life, you'd think that folk would be more aware and sensitive in their approach when dealing with someone who has experienced a loss. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend who suffered an unexpected loss of someone extremely close to her, about 2 months ago. She was telling me about some of the conversations she's had and some of the questions that have been asked, which sparked the idea to write this blog. 
I am no stranger to death, however, losing my brother in 2007 opened my eyes to a different level and understanding of grief. The most awkward and uncomfortable conversations happened during that time. It was annoying, but helped me to realize where I had previously erred in my interaction with people who were grieving and caused me to be more thoughtful and empathetic. I'm going to share some dos and don'ts that will hopefully help you too.

1. Don't put a time limit on a person's mourning. The summer of the year my brother passed away, I went to this special church service. I went up for prayer and was asked my prayer request. I asked the minister to pray for my mother because she had not been well since losing my brother unexpectedly in a car accident in February. The minister paused before he spoke. I could tell that he was counting the time from February until that time. Then, he says something to the effect of, "She's STILL sad? It's been SIX months!" Are you kidding me sir?! Needless to say, I didn't receive nor listen to anything he said during his prayer. I didn't realize there was a certain time that you had to stop mourning the person that you brought in this world and was snatched away from you suddenly! I just wanted my mother to be able to eat and function and live again. 
2. Avoid inappropriate or insensitive questions. Back when this happened, MySpace was still popping. I made a post about it and of course started to get messages. This one guy asked me, without offering his condolences or showing any concern, "How he die?" It isn't unusual to be curious about the cause of someone's death, especially when they are young and healthy. But, it isn't always WHAT you say, but how and WHEN you say it that matters! 
3. Don't judge how a person grieves. I was told that how I was dealing with my brother's death didn't seem normal or healthy. Since I was seen laughing, hanging with friends, and going about my usual routine, it didn't seem as though I was even really grieving. How DARE they?! I could not completely fall apart. I had people relying on my strength. But what people didn't see was when I was alone or just in the house with my parents and youngest brother. They didn't know the thoughts and questions that ran through my head daily. They didn't see what I saw EVERY time I closed my eyes. They didn't know that every Friday, I relived the moment that I got the news. They didn't hear my cries out and questions to God. Everybody deals with grief differently. Just because a person's expression or display is different from what you expect or how you would handle it doesn't mean that they aren't grieving. If you are truly concerned about someone's behavior, if it seems unhealthy or detrimental, they should be approached with compassion and in a non-judgmental way. 
4. Try to stay away from cliches.  They are in a better place, God doesn't make any mistakes, time heals all wounds, I understand what you're going through, etc. etc. Even though these things are usually said with good intentions, nobody wants to hear any of this when they've lost a loved one. Many times people say these things because they think it's the right thing to say or that they are being comforting. Guess what. Not only does that not make a person feel better, some of those things simply aren't true. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some wounds are never healed. Time just makes it easier to cope. And you don't understand if you've never experienced such a loss. You can imagine or even empathize, but you don't understand. What you should understand is that it's really okay to not say anything. Most times a hug, pat on the back, or smile is sufficient. If you feel that something must be said, let the person know that you love them or that you're thinking about or praying for them and keep it moving.
5. Don't get weird if a person wants to talk about their deceased loved one. Sometimes I just want to talk about my brother. It doesn't mean I'm sad, it just means I miss him and need to get these thoughts and memories out. There are still times that I mention my brother and people get visibly uncomfortable. It actually makes me chuckle. Talking about him and the good times is healing for me and helps me to cope.

Dealing with death and grief isn't easy and I think that we've all been guilty of at least one of these faux pas. A couple things that can be done to avoid such blunders is to think before you speak and put yourself in that person's shoes. Have you all had any experiences like the ones mentioned? Share with me in the comments. I'd love to hear from you!