Grownish...

So I was thinking about how my son turns 18 years old today AND graduates from high school on Sunday. I feel such a wide range of emotions (which has been the case every day this year so far). The most prominent feelings I have right now are relief, happiness, and excitement, mixed with a tinge of fear and worry. Let me see if I can break these down for you a bit:

• Relief - There were points, especially in the last year, where I didn't think my boy was going to make it. My son is extremely smart, but because he hated school so much, his intelligence wasn't always evident in his grades OR his behavior. Certain things just didn't make sense to him and he made it known either through his defiance or questions that he asked like, "I'm never going to use *insert non-factor subject*. Why do I need to take this class??" Or one time, after his gym teacher made a snarky comment to him about what he would or would not do with his future/college, my apple, who has not fallen too far from the tree said, "So you went to college to become a GYM TEACHER?!" His mouth got him in trouble FREQUENTLY! My baby boy ended up going to a total of 4 high schools! One time I took him out of school and put him in online school, because he had ONE more time to be suspended before he was expelled!! So, whatever word describes the highest level of relief, that's what I am!
• Happiness - My flesh of my flesh started to completely wild out during the first semester of his senior year. When senioritis hits a child who doesn't really like school anyway, it hits with a VENGEANCE! That prince of mine got suspended from school, then he went back and got suspended from the bus and right after that, he ran away for a month and missed school all that time. He did NOT want to come back home and he did NOT want to go back to school. I am happy because I didn't give up on him! Even when I felt like giving up and people implied that I should, I COULD NOT! I'm happy because as much as he fussed and argued and complained and rebelled, in the end, he didn't give up either! I'm happy because after ALL we went through, he finished school with MORE than enough credits. The best email I've received so far this year is the one from his guidance counselor that said, "You have met...graduation requirements to participate in the virtual ceremony...your student is on the graduation list." HALLELUJAH!!!
• Excitement - I'm excited that my boy is grownish while I'm still youngish! LOL...I'm excited that we can finally close the book on this phase of our lives and I can't wait to start this new chapter...this new book! I'm excited to see how he navigates through this next stage of life. I'm excited to see how life will be mothering a young adult and how life will change for us.
• Fear and worry - Some of the same reasons I'm excited contribute to the fear and worry I feel. I'm a little scared to see how he navigates through life. I'm afraid of loosening the reins and not having the "control" I'm used to. Meaning, I can't shelter and protect him as easily. I'm worried that he'll experience some suffering and learning things the hard way and not be able to bounce back. I'm afraid of him making the wrong decisions or hanging with the wrong crowd or going to jail for something stupid...or going to jail for nothing or dying for being black...

But, I won't dwell in the fear and worry. I will be grateful for the relief. I'll ride the wave of happiness. I'll relish the excitement. And I will have faith that every good thing that I (and our village) taught him will come to the forefront of his mind when he needs it, that he will take heed, and that God will keep him supernaturally protected. 

There were times I would look at other parents post about their children on social media, about their academic accomplishements or their sports prowess, and I would be envious. I would start to second guess my mothering skills and be upset because I didn't have anything to brag about. However, comparison is the thief of joy, and I had to remind myself that every person has their own path and that doesn't make any child or parent better than the next. My son has his own path to follow and I have plenty to be proud of. My heart bursts with pride for how he continues to overcome and push through mental health obstacles, major life changes, and just the everyday struggles of being a teenaged black male. Happy Birthday and Congratulations to my JR!❤❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉