So I was thinking about the letter I wrote to my son. I had been thinking about writing him a letter for weeks, but for some reason, I couldn't find the words. I just knew I had to write it. After a couple therapy sessions, some personal reflection, and lots of journaling I finally found the words. Here's a peek into my world and into my heart. He gave me permission to share this. I removed his name and his daddy's. Most of y'all reading this know me already, but I'm preparing for the thousands of subscribers I'll have one day. Lol...
There is absolutely no human on this planet who I love more than you. I remember when you were an infant...I would hold you and stare at you in awe. I couldn’t believe that I made such a beautiful, perfect, human being. Maybe that was my first mistake, thinking you were perfect and expecting you to be that way. How could that be at all possible when you were born into an imperfect world and came from imperfect parents who hadn’t a clue what they were doing in life, let alone as parents! We thought we knew, but we had NO idea!
Low-key, I thought you were my second chance. I guess I thought I would mold you into some type of Stepford child or something (if you don’t know this reference let me know and I’ll find The Stepford Wives for us to watch one day when you have time for your mother...but I digress.🤪) I expected you to have only the very best parts of me (and I guess ____________🤣). But that isn’t realistic, so of course you have a piece of the good and bad from both of us.
I thought I would be able to make you into all me and your father were not. In parenting you, I thought I’d correct all the mistakes I FELT my parents made with me. Now that I’m almost 19 years in the game, I realize that most parents did the best with what they knew and what they thought was the best for their child/children.
Even though our lives ended up way less than ideal with the divorce and the back and forth between me and your daddy and living arrangements and school and major losses and everything else that life threw our way, I still somehow expected you to be perfect. You were just supposed to magically obtain superhuman strength to ignore everything you were feeling and seeing and just be all I envisioned you to be.
Now don’t get me wrong, me wanting all that for you wasn’t just for selfish reasons. I just truly wanted and still want in my heart of hearts everything that’s best for you. I want you to be better than me so that you can have more direction and opportunity and ease of life than I had/have. In all my imperfection and wrong methods and fussing and misunderstanding and dare I say what you’re thinking, bitchiness, I just wanted to shield you from the same types of mistakes I made. I wanted to shield you from the hardship and heartache I’ve experienced. I just wanted you to learn from my mistakes, from the past and the present. My eyes are welling up with tears as I write because I just wanted things to be EASIER for you! You already have strikes against you as a young black man, so I wanted and want you to avoid any extra burdens if possible.
Yes, I can teach you right from wrong. I can try to teach you responsibility and morals. I can share my stories, but how dare I try to dictate and orchestrate your life’s path, especially as a young adult. I didn’t let anybody do that for me! AND I’m not God!!
As humans we live and make mistakes, ESPECIALLY as teenagers and young adults. But, we should also learn from our mistakes and I’m realizing more and more that I must give you the opportunity to do so. I know that I need to extend to you more patience and grace and I’m sorry that I haven’t. I’m working on it. I’m sorry to have contributed to your anxiety. I’m sorry for not affirming you as much as I should, ESPECIALLY after I made you take the 5 love languages test for kids, lol.
Do not get it twisted. There are still rules to follow and practical expectations to be met as a young adult living in my home. However, I’m going to do better as your mother. Like I said before, I’m working on it. I’m working on me and learning how to be a parent to a young adult, because it isn’t the same as parenting an infant or a toddler or an adolescent. I’m no longer expecting perfection from you, but I do expect you to do your very best and I will be here to help you figure out what that is. I could probably go on and on and may need to later, but I’ll stop for now. Hopefully you even read this! Lol!!
Oh! One more thing, please have patience with me. Let’s work together. I love you son, just as you are! 🥰🥰🥰
His response: Thank you for this mother, and I love you too.
Could I have at LEAST gotten 2 sentences?! 🙄 LOL