Can't Nobody Hold Me Down!

So I was thinking about an experience I had a couple days ago with a family member. Before I continue, let me issue this disclaimer: I have this blog and also have a podcast launching soon. I won't say names, but NOBODY is exempt from being discussed on one of my platforms. Just something to keep in mind. 😉
Anyway, this family member sent me one of the most deliberately hurtful, disturbingly vile, laughingly inaccurate, glaringly projecting texts I’ve ever received in my life. In my almost 42 years, I’ve had my share of atrocious things done and said to me that have nearly destroyed me. But, however unfortunate, each experience sparked exponential growth and the lessons learned were invaluable, effectively preparing me for whatever obstacle I might encounter next. This was no different...well...it did feel a bit different, but maybe because I haven’t “let” words rattle me like this in a long time. I would describe the emotional pain like a poisonous arrow through the heart that caused excruciating pain as it went in and continued to sting as the arrow was removed and an apparatus was used to suck out the venom.
I felt like I had nearly mastered the art of protecting my peace. I thought I was an expert at not sweating the small stuff and realizing that in the grand scheme of things, it’s ALL small. This shook me though. The words and intent behind them continue to replay in my head. 2 main reasons I think the content of the text is living rent free in my head:

• This person’s perception of me that they’ve made their reality, is mostly false and shows how much they REALLY don’t even know me. Maybe I shouldn't care because I know the truth, but that angers and saddens me. I hate for pictures of me to be painted one way, when it's really another.
• This person purposely took the lowest blows they could, like they were a finalist in an insult based game of limbo. I wanted to respond in kind, but my heart, my logical mind, my conscience, my gut, the Holy Spirit...whatever you want to call it, held me back.

It seems like more often than not, I’m being the bigger person and that doesn’t always feel good. I wanna be a savage! Lol...but my response was “ok”. Now, because I know this person’s cowardly nature, I know they probably immediately blocked me after they said what they had to say, so they probably didn’t even see the “ok”, but I KNOW how to get a message to them and I chose not to. 3 things happened, 2 immediately and 1 later.

1. I chose to respond rather than react. In my last therapy session, my therapist broke down the difference between reacting and responding. She explained how usually when a person reacts it’s impulsive and could cause hurt to one’s self or another person as opposed to responding which involves taking a beat to think clearly and assess the situation. Although it hurt and I wanted to tear that butt up, I knew that a reaction would make things worse and that the hatefulness that they spewed was due to this person’s own underlying and unresolved issues.
2. Sunday School helped me. All these different scriptures about the power of the tongue, a fool versus a wise person, and replying with soft words came flooding back to me. I found them, read them aloud, and decided to take heed.
3. I had to build myself back up. I was deflated. I started to internalize the words and second guess the things that I know to be true of myself. I have this book called The Year of You by Hannah Braime and it contains 365 journal writing prompts. On January 28th the prompt was, What do you know to be true about yourself? I wrote: I know that I’m a good person with a generous heart and a loving and compassionate spirit who loves to see everyone happy and will do what I can to see to that. What I didn’t write is that I try to be a blessing whenever I can, however I can and as a result I am blessed. I’m not perfect, but I am reflective, open to learning, and constantly striving to better myself. I am focused, consistent, and on the right path to the success I seek. I try to be real and shy away from facades. I am loved and deserving of love.

At some point, when this person calms down, I do plan to have a conversation about disrespect/respect and what I will and will not tolerate. I’m going to continue to protect my peace. Though I’d prefer that things were different, I have no qualms with loving someone from afar.